Nashville, Tennessee is where I’ve spent most of my life. My family moved there in 1996 when I was 4 years old. When I was 17 I moved out of my mom’s house and lived with a friend on the other side of the city until I after my 19th birthday (2013). I moved back there after I got out of the military in 2017. Two of my sisters and their kids still live there, along with my brother. It’s where my family struggled and succeeded, where I made my first friends, where I was the first time someone I cared about passed away. It’s where I met my husband and where he and I shared our first home together. It’s where I learned that it’s ok to ask for help and that it’s important to help others when I can. Many of the best and worst moments of my life took place in Nashville.
Pride is a very special place to me because it is a place that doesn’t exist- it’s created. And it’s created in a very intentional way, by people like me, for people like me. It’s a place I know I can breathe without feeling like I’m taking up too much space. At Pride I’m relieved of the burden of having to explain myself or justify my existence. Queer spaces have a similar effect, but something about being able to have those experiences in locations that are public is just different.
The gym is a significant place for me because it’s where I learned a lot about taking care of myself and how to push my limits in healthy ways. I learned, and continue to learn, about the mind-body connection and how much movement truly is beneficial. Exercise has helped me process emotions and think more clearly. It helps me with stress management and coping with life in general. And it’s the one thing that has always given me an equal return on the effort and attention I give to it.
This is a photo I took in Las Vegas the weekend I got married. A lot of my dreams came true that weekend, but one of them was seeing this Iron Man suit in-person. Iron Man’s story has motivated me to keep going, to keep trying, and keep improving. Not all heroes wear capes; many are just people who use their resources to help make the world a better place.
I don’t have a lot in common with Iron Man on a material level, but we’re similar in our levels of determination to look after and protect the people we care about.
San Francisco is the closest major city to where I live in Sonoma County, California. It’s become a place to meet up with old friends and make new ones. It’s very welcoming and diverse, and very different from the place I grew up. The politics and policies are different and more aligned with my personal values, though there’s still a long way to go on many issues.
This is the first place I’ve lived where no one knew me before I transitioned. My husband is the person who has known me the longest here, and he met me four years into my medical transition. It’s interesting being in a place and around people with whom I have so little history. It’s been 10 years now since I came out and started to socially transition, which mostly consisted of cutting my hair and changing my name until a year later when I could afford to start hormones. In this place, I often find myself feeling grateful that people know me as the person I always knew I could be.
One thing I’m starting with my husband in an effort to break generational patterns is keeping the dining room table a safe place. We take breakfast on the go and aren’t together for lunch, and we usually eat dinner in front of the TV. But when there’s something that needs to be discussed or addressed, we sit at the table and set the tone to have an unarmed atmosphere and talk over food and drink. We sit across from each other and work through whatever the topic is until things are resolved, or until we decide we will give it more thought and come back to it later. There’s no yelling and we’re allowed to take our time responding to what has been said.
These are a couple of pictures of the view from our living room. The Petaluma River runs right through town and on the other side of the water is a walking path where I like to go to clear my head and see all of the neighborhood dogs walking with their owners. To the right of what you can see, there’s an old pedestrian bridge that connects the walking path on either side of the river. A few folks who live under that bridge. It’s humbling to live in a third floor, corner apartment with elevator access knowing that a hundred feet away are people who are equally deserving of this kind of shelter yet going without. And knowing that all it would take for us to be in their shoes is two missed paychecks.
I’ve been in Fairbanks since mid-January of this year, and I’ll be leaving early in May. It’s been a crazy ride. I never imagined I’d be somewhere that it’s not only accepted to take a photo in swimwear in -45 degree weather, it’s also promoted. Since I got here, I have been pushing myself to get out of my comfort zone whenever reasonable and to do things just for the hell of it. I’ve met some outstanding people in the process and made some friends I think I will have for a long time. I’ve also really missed being near my husband.
Will and I met about a year and a half after the first picture in this blog was taken. Since we met, he has been the most supportive, patient, funny, steady person in my life. Being away from him these past couple of months has been a challenge, but we are doing our best to be there for each other virtually and emotionally despite the distance. No matter where we’ve lived or visited, being with him has felt like being home. We’ve each been very intentional about how we treat each other and have built a relationship based on mutual respect and compassion. There’s no one I trust to look out for me more than Will. I get to see him in a little over a week for spring break and I could not be more excited!
Comments
12 responses to “Photos Worth Many Words”
Hello Charles,
It’s always a pleasure to read your blogs, you’re so well spoken and I respect your journey. While I enjoyed the entire post I think what stuck with me was the love and respect you and will have for each other. I love the idea of the table being the place you guys can address whatever is going on and there isn’t any rush. Not sure if this is too personal but let me know if so. Do you guys plan on adopting? Are you interested in being a parent?
Hey Nico and thanks for reading! I can’t tell you how much of a difference taking the pressure off of the time spent coming to an agreement or making a decision has made. Most things don’t need an immediate resolution, and a lot of things warrant taking more time to think than to speak.
As far as adopting and expanding our family, it’s something we continue to talk about. We’ve dreamed a lot about adopting a sibling set, but we are also big believers in reunification and feel torn about the potentially negative role we could end up playing in respect to systemic inequalities. As much as we would like to have kids, there’s a lot to consider about the ethics and, more importantly, the impact we would or could have on the the kids; could we really provide the support that they would need in the ways they needed it? So for now, we’re reading books and keeping an eye on local parenting class offerings so we know what resources are out there. Thanks for asking!
Hi Charles, I was reading your blog post and your journey through different places and phases of life is incredibly moving. Nashville seems to hold a significant part of your story its filled with both struggles and triumphs, family bonds, and personal growth. It’s evident how each place you’ve lived has contributed to your identity and experiences, whether it’s Pride celebrations in San Francisco or the profound connection you share with your husband, Will. I like your commitment to breaking generational patterns and advocating for open communication at the dining table which reflects a deep understanding of nurturing relationships. Wishing you all the best as you continue your adventures, whether in Fairbanks or reuniting with Will in Oakland!
Thanks Rodric!
Charlie, you continue to amaze me with your story and your background! It feels like you’ve lived everywhere and done everything. I loved this blog and reading about your story through pictures, it is really eye opening to see how far you’ve come and how far you’re going to go. I hope you get to reunite with your husband soon and I’m glad to have you up here!
Thanks, Paradise!
Wow, it felt like I was really there with you. I loved your pictures. I hope you and your husband reunite soon! I completely miss my fiancé. I keep telling myself that it is not much longer.
Hi Serra,
I feel like time is definitely going by faster the closer we get to the end of the semester. I hope you get to spend time with your fiance soon!
Thanks for sharing your story!
What really stuck out to me the most is you and your husband’s intentional effort to break generational patterns. To some making a dinner table a safe space or not yelling is simple but when you experienced different it actually takes effort, consistency, and patience to build new habits and crush those old patterns that don’t serve us.
I love that for yall!
Hi Adrianna,
You’re so right, it takes a lot to create that kind of space after having the opposite experience growing up. Early on, we struggled to get through some tough subjects and would quickly decide we needed to “table” the conversation until one or both of us was in a more appropriate headspace. The more we do it, the easier it gets to stay at the table. It has really helped me improve my patience with discomfort. Thanks for reading!
First off, I want to say that you and your husband look so cute together!! I can see the love in your eyes for each other. You have such a beautiful story. I understand why you love/hate being away from your husband. You love the adventure and the people you have meet. You hate being away from the one you love. I am glad you will be seeing him soon.
There was a couple of things I wanted to note about Pride. I have thought about it a lot over the years. I think the reason Pride is different than being in Queer spaces is because it is public. In so many ways, safe spaces are kinda hidden from sight. Pride is when so many that believe and feel the same way are all together. You don’t have to hide who you are. You don’t have to feel ashamed for being who you are. I am not sure that everyone feels this way, but I think that is right for me anyways.
I was reading over some of the comments posted. I saw your conversation with Nico. I wanted to say that I love how concerned you both are on the ethics and responsibility over raising a child. The one thing I did want to say was over the concern on being able to provide for them in the ways they need. I am a parent of 3 beautiful kids and 1 bonus amazing son. You will do something wrong. It will happen because you are human. It is the ability to admit those mistake and take active steps not to do it again. You concern over this also proves that you both would make amazing parents. It shows that you have that mindset of wanting to do what is right. It also shows that if a mistake is made, you will catch it so much faster. I would also make the suggestion of maybe becoming foster parents first. My aunt and uncle were foster parents before they adopted. They were talk about how wonderful it was to help keep that connection open between the family and the kids. Eventually, they adopted two brothers. Their mom decided that she couldn’t handle everything and willingly gave the boys up. Her only request was to keep them together. When she had two girls, she gave them up right away and wanted them to be with the boys. My aunt and uncle were able to adopt the girls as well. According to the case manager, the mother was very happy about this. My point is, you may be able to give the parents a piece of mind as well.
Hi Ana,
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my post!
I totally agree, Pride being in public spaces makes the experience different than being in hidden away spaces. I was trying to think of a good way to articulate that, and you put into words exactly what I was feeling.
Thank you for sharing about your experience with parenting and your aunt and uncle’s situation. I’m glad you have all been able to create the families you have!
Taking steps to correct or learn from mistakes is so important, I’m glad you brought that up. I think a lot of our nervousness might come from having parents who did not seem very concerned with that.
Fostering first is a good suggestion and something we also discuss from time to time. There’s a local program that connects youth who are aging out of the system with adult volunteers in the community who can help them navigate the transition into adulthood (how to apply for a job, how to maintain a living space, balancing demands on time, stuff like that). So we’re thinking about starting there either this summer or next to get a feel for things.